Checking in

I realized I hadn't been on here in quite a while, so I thought I'd drop in and add a little note. My daughter just got her driver's license last week. Talk about a mile stone. Now I have another worry to add to my list. I swear if anything happens to her, I really don't know what I will do. But, you can't not let them live right? She is now officially a senior in HS. One more year ! I can not believe how fast the time goes. When she first started HS, everyone told me that the next 4 years would just fly by. I remember thinking 'Yeah right! I can't wait to get this over with.' Now, it's like 'Oh my God. She is going to be graduating! Then she'll be gone too.' Just part of life right?

Still missing my baby boy sooo much. A dear friend of mine had a pillow case made with his picture. Every night I kiss him and tell him good night and how much I love him. At least I don't cry every day now. Oh trust me, I could! I can now make my self not think about him all day long. I just keep thinking that now, he has been gone for the same amount of time of how old he was when he left us. He was 4 months and 1 week old when he died. He has been gone for 4 months and 1 week. This just sucks ! ! ! !

Well - - until I post again - -- bye.

Bad few days

It's me again. I've just had a real rough couple of days. Totally broke down Monday night. I haven't cried like that since Kyle passed. I really don't have an 'excuse' as to why or what caused it. I just started crying and could not stop. Didn't get to bed until after 2:00 AM. I just miss my baby sooooo much. He would have been 6 months old this Saturday. My mom thinks that subconciously (sp), that is what is causing this down turn in my mood. It very well could be. Talked to hubby yesterday and he said he's been having a real hard time the last few days as well. I am seriously considering getting us both into counseling. When my dad died 4 1/2 years ago, my mom went to a grief support group and she said it really helped her. I know I need to do something. I just feel so freaking guilty for not being home the night he stopped breathing. I know in my head that I shouldn't feel guilty. I think my husband feels enough guilt for both of us because he was the one home. I just can't stop thinking that if I were home, it wouldn't have happened and my baby boy would still be here. I really thought there for a week or so that I was 'getting better'? (For lack of a better way to put it.) But this week it has just all come crashing back down on me like a ton of bricks. I WANT MY BABY BACK ! ! ! !

I know that is impossible. But my heart feels like it is actually breaking. It physically hurts.

Sorry for this post being such a downer. I just really need to talk to someone (or something in this case) and not feel bad about bringing them down with me.

Introduction

Hi all,

Just a quick note to introduce myself and the reason for this blog.

My name is Liz. I am married to a wonderful man named Greg. I have a daughter, Erin, from a previous relationship who is almost 17. This page was created to share our new angel, Kyle. He was born on September 28, 2008 and went home to God on February 7, 2009 from SIDS. In his short time here on earth, he gave us the most joy and happiness of our entire lives. I don't know how often I will be on here to post, but I just felt I had to do something in his memory. Here is Kyle's story.

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years. We thought he was sterile and that we would never have any kids of our own. (Which we were completely content with.) I have been off of birth control for 6 years. Then, last February, I found out I was pregnant. Talk about a shock. I had a daughter that would be 16 by the time the baby was born. We kept joking that we would be having one go to college and one going to pre-school. But when Kyle was born on September 28th 2008, it had to be one of the most happiest days of our lives. He was a perfect baby. The nurse even told us that he scored a 'perfect 10' on the apgar test. Greg kept calling Kyle his 'perfect 10 baby boy'. He was such a happy baby for the most part. He did have a slight spell of colic, but nothing too bad. The night it happened, I was out of the house with my daughter at choir practice and by husband was watching the baby. At 9:05 pm, I received a call on my cell phone from a police officer telling me I had to get home as soon as possible. When I got home, they had already taken Kyle to the hospital. He wasn't breathing. When we got to the hospital, they had his heart beating again, but he was on a vent. They then transferred him to Riley's Children's Hopital. This all happened on a Wednesday night. My baby boy never woke up. We had to 'unplug' him on Saturday the 7th of February. The absolute worst day of my life. The absolute hardest thing for me to understand is why God gave us this perfect gift; one that we thought we would never have. We were happy with just the three of us; Erin, me and Greg. Then the blessed day Kyle came and made our family complete. Then to take him away from us just four short months later. I honestly don't know if I will EVER get over the pain I feel. There is no more normal. I used to be a happy person. Everyone always told me that I always had a smile on my face. I don't think I will ever be that person again. I feel guilty about smiling now. All I want to do is cry. I feel soooo guilty for not being at home. All of the If's: If I was home it wouldn't have happened. If I was home I could have given him CPR and saved him. etc., etc. I don't think I will ever get passed that.