It's me again. I've just had a real rough couple of days. Totally broke down Monday night. I haven't cried like that since Kyle passed. I really don't have an 'excuse' as to why or what caused it. I just started crying and could not stop. Didn't get to bed until after 2:00 AM. I just miss my baby sooooo much. He would have been 6 months old this Saturday. My mom thinks that subconciously (sp), that is what is causing this down turn in my mood. It very well could be. Talked to hubby yesterday and he said he's been having a real hard time the last few days as well. I am seriously considering getting us both into counseling. When my dad died 4 1/2 years ago, my mom went to a grief support group and she said it really helped her. I know I need to do something. I just feel so freaking guilty for not being home the night he stopped breathing. I know in my head that I shouldn't feel guilty. I think my husband feels enough guilt for both of us because he was the one home. I just can't stop thinking that if I were home, it wouldn't have happened and my baby boy would still be here. I really thought there for a week or so that I was 'getting better'? (For lack of a better way to put it.) But this week it has just all come crashing back down on me like a ton of bricks. I WANT MY BABY BACK ! ! ! !
I know that is impossible. But my heart feels like it is actually breaking. It physically hurts.
Sorry for this post being such a downer. I just really need to talk to someone (or something in this case) and not feel bad about bringing them down with me.
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Liz,
ReplyDeleteI think you will find that we have days/weeks/minutes/hours like that. The past week has been extremely rough on me for some reason. Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I find myself wanting to hide in bed and cry the day away. We are both still early in our loss and I think it will take a very long time for us to get to a more stable place. I think the grief we feel from losing our little boys does physically HURT; we lost a part of ourselves, so why shouldn't it? I'm always here if you need to talk/vent/cry. I lost Eli a few weeks before you lost Kyle, so I am experiencing many of the same things. ((HUGS))
Liz, was that the night you called me? Please call anytime you need to just sit and cry. I'll be there to hold you. You said today you now understand more what I went thru. Then you remember it was a good 2 years before I could get thru a week without crying, and the difficulty it was to just try to be sociable because I just didn't care to talk to anyone. They all that happened the same time Kyle died. First Arnold on 1/28, then Kyle 2/7, then Raymond less than two weeks later. I understand Kyle was the one you feel most, but when you get hit so quickly from so many different directions, it takes a lot of time. I know you don't think it does any good to pray, but it really does. Even if it is just "Lord, help me." over and over. He will. I love you so much it hurts and now at the stage of life Erin is in, don't think the bad thoughts you were thinking after Kyle. That would be just too hard on me. Love you baby! Mom
ReplyDeleteSis I wish I could take away the pain !!! I want you to know that I am here for you, if you ever need to talk, cry, vent or just need a hug I'm here!!! I wish I knew what to say or do to help you !!
ReplyDeleteI miss my Little Man !!
I love you !!!!